Tags
anxiety, Lymm Runners, nutrition, park run, physiology, running
I have written and started several blogs over the past 18 months but they have all gone into a “not published” folder on my laptop. I have been so consumed with everything going on that writing has very much taken a back seat. And over the last 12 months my running has been on a rollercoaster dropping down with a slight peak around the Brighton marathon month in April and dropping off considerably since then. I’ve been distracted with improving my cycling but more so after coming out of the stress of a divorce and accepting the sacrifice of only seeing Harmony half of the time (although I do my best to try and catch sights or moments with her on days that she’s not with me), I then fell “truly madly deeply” in love perhaps in the worst possible way and I am most desperately trying to find myself again after realizing that this love is poisoning me on the inside to the point I sometimes don’t even recognize me and I’m no longer the person or woman that I was. I know I am better than that and I have friends who remind me constantly that I am better than that.
Last night I hit an all-time low. The first evening of the five days when I don’t have Harmony always hit me the hardest but this night was all the harder because it fell on day 23 of my cycle. I will probably expand on this at a later blog but basically hormone levels of estrogen and progesterone are at their highest which means emotions are all askew and also run training is going to be at its worst with performances at their lowest possible. So the worst possible timing.
I did get out for a couple of pints of dark mild at the Tap with my run/cycle bud James and his mates and got home around 8.30. Finished off the bottle of red wine I had in the house whilst eating a rather amazing dinner that I whipped up comprising of Salmon, brown rice and a creamy mushroom sauce. Apparently this high protein intake is the perfect nutrition for the time of my cycle. So I was hoping it would be perfect fuel for the parkrun on Saturday morning.
However somewhere between 8.30 and 10.30 my brain lost the plot and my mood slipped deeper into a depression. I took a handful of painkillers and downed them with the last of my wine and went to bed. I messaged the heartbreaker who I still remain friends with that I didn’t think I would make going to parkrun with him and that perhaps it was better that I didn’t see him. I am beginning to think I’m never going to fully recover because he won’t actually let me go.
I messaged and told him I’d taken pills so was hoping not to wake up. He messaged back to say I hope you sleep well. I then messaged my run coach and very dear friend calling out for help and he knew and understood and phoned me up. Just hearing his voice helped and calmed me. It’s not that I want to die, I just want the pain to go away. And sometimes the actual thought of waking up is too much to bear. When I wake I think “aw hell another day to try and get through”. And then I fill it so much that I don’t stop, because I can’t stop. Because to stop means that then I start to think, and then when I start thinking, I start brooding and then I get sad. And if I’m not sad then I’m just angry.
When I woke this morning I had 90 minutes to decide whether to get up and go to Warrington. After two cups of coffee and a banana and feeding Ozzy the dog and my two kitties and letting Oz out in the garden I did manage to get myself up and dressed. It probably helped having a bit of a text natter with Mike Hall who I had hoped would be getting over to Wazza parkrun but he had other plans. I grabbed my 50th red parkrun top from the cupboard because I couldn’t see the 100 one and set off feeling a tad nervous. I thought back and it was around September/ October 2014 (nine years ago) that I started becoming a regular attendee at Warrington parkrun. On the way there I gave myself a musical boost with one of the songs that got me through the Brighton Marathon and one of Harmony’s favourites : Katy Perry “Roar”. Absolutely love the lyrics to this song. They are so poignant to me and my life.
Chuffed to bits to catch up with Louise Blizzard, Kevin Lakin, Georgina Walker, Bobbie Lomax, Lee Latham and Dave Webb. At the start line managed to get a photo of the girls: Bobbie, Louise, Georgina and myself. Louise joked that she had missed the memo about red tops. It was funny because Georgina and I had both randomly chosen the parkrun 50 top which are red. I had felt quite teary on the warm up but got such positive vibes on the start line that they all went away. I just wanted to be able to focus on running at a pace that was doable, not all out, but enough that I was well out of a comfort zone. Shall we call it a hard tempo! As we set off I let the others go on ahead and just focus on myself and I was happy with a 4.30 for the first km and kept a similar for the second with the mindset of aiming for at 23-23.30 finish time. As always that field drains it out of your legs so I inevitably slowed and I just tried to maintain the same slower pace on the 4th kilometer so both around 4.40 and saved it for the last where I managed to pick it back up for the fastest km (4.29) knowing that I was going to come in just under 23 minutes. I was happy with that, and took it as a positive data point as to where I am at. Breathing got harder as to be expected and I think probably my heart rate strap wasn’t work else my HR really was averaging at 178.
I finished 37th overall and 4th female. Needless to say the lovely ladies at the start finished in 1st 2nd and 3rd: Louise 20.51, Georgina 21.24, Bobbie 21.29 and me 22.55 and here’s the thing all of us are in the age category 45-49! So that’s one tough age division – so beware Warrington ladies this is the age category to avoid at all costs!!!!
It was so lovely catching up with everyone afterwards. It’s always the best part about Wazza parkrun. The people! Georgina said to me you must feel better now after that. I said it was just what I needed and had given me a real boost but then I started to get teary. Quite rightly G said hey don’t you cry or you’ll get me started so I pulled myself together and you know all was good. Had a runner called Alex come over and talk to me as well. He said I had coached him at track on Tuesday and it was his first time there and he’d really loved it. He said I must be really passionate about running. I said I certainly was and I’d see him at track this week although I was going to be a tad late on account of Halloween and would probably be showing up in my Halloween outfit that Harmony wanted me to go out in – Wonderwoman – it never gets old that outfit! I just wish it was warmer!!!!
So this girl is going to get her act together and has already arranged a babysitter for next Saturday’s parkrun so I can do it all again. May try and take it up and notch, and as well given the hormone spike will be over by then and I’ll be able to “train like a man” and not be hampered by my physiology – my head is back in the book reading about women’s nutrition and training and Im back at university doing a sports science degree. Hoping eventually I can put this to some good use with aim at women’s physiology and nutrition and help women in all times of their journey trainer better and be stronger than they thought possible. Just need to train myself first!!! I am my own guinea pig! But that is all another story for another blog!