The last couple of weeks have been hard to say the least. I have been living an emotional rollercoaster which I’m hoping has now finally settled down. About 10 days ago I just wanted to disappear – can’t say why or how these feelings were coming upon me (although I know I’ve been trying to balance a good many things for a while and I just wanted everything to stop). But I know I always get through these feelings, but it was particularly hard this time.
This week I have turned a corner and I have finally resigned from the job that has caused me so much grief. I have been subjected to bullying and harassment for the past three years following returning from maternity leave and on Friday I finally handed in my notice. So it is now official the dog business (which is dog running and walking – this week we cover 53 running miles and 20 walking miles; and pet sitting and boarding) as well as the Sports Massage work will be my only income. I am now a member of the self employed. It feels like someone has taken the weight of the coliseum from my shoulders and I can finally breath.
The past 12 months have been ridiculously hard as I have been trying to escape this “employed job” by qualifying in sports massage and slowly increasing the number of dogs I take out. Whilst also dealing with the loss of my Dad and everything that has followed since then with helping my Mum with the hopefully eventual sale of her house.
Running has certainly been an outlet for me but it has been tough this year because I feel I haven’t achieved what I would have liked. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m seeing a counsellor who is helping me process and evaluate what is happening to me. The bottom line is I’m very hard on myself and extremely competitive (with myself) and set extremely high standards. So now I am writing this to remind myself that I ran a marathon this year – my first – Conwy and it wasn’t a walk in the park but what it showed me was that I could endure.
Since then there hasn’t really been anything that I’ve entered that I’ve felt proud about – I had to transfer one to next year because I was suffering a chest infection, another because the back of my knee hurt like hell and I just haven’t been able to get any speed back. I kissed the Silver Standards for the club goodbye and said I’m happy with Bronze, I decided I wasn’t going to chase the Winter championships either so there are two things left on my list for next year – speed and distance.
Speed – I’m not sure what I’m going to enter but I want to get my speed back to where it was last year before the chest infections/injury period of this year.
Endurance – this is the bit that I think I need to focus on the most. Now that I’m often run 10 miles a day for four days of the week, it makes sense that I could channel this to enter some ultras and “interesting” marathons next year, so I’m going to end this blog with a little list of my planned runs for next year and the reasons for entering them.
January
Helsby Half Marathon – because the last time I ran it I had an awful chest infection. I want to run it and feel good.
Landudno Half Marathon or the 10 mile – I haven’t decided which one – but I want to run back in Wales again because I loved the Conwy marathon and I didn’t get around to entering the Conwy half this November (again)!
February
20 mile canalathon – This sounds like a nice flat course to get a decent 20 mile time in and will be good practice for what I have planned later in the year.
March
Bristol green man ultra – can’t decide whether to try the 30 miles (known as the green boy) or just take the plunge and run the full 45 mile loop around Bristol through forestland. Why do I want to enter an Ultra – because I want to see what I’m made of. I’ve read at least three books this year about ultra running – I can’t put the books down. I just have to do this. I feel compelled.
Canalathon – 50 km or 50 miles – well okay this one all depends on how the Bristol one goes! But again this is a flat course so unusual for an ultra.
April
Manchester marathon – still dithering about this as I’m not too keen on the city aspect of this but what I do know is that it is the most perfect one for a PB. So if my friend Tollr can twist my arm then I guess I’ll be doing it.
Liverpool to Manchester Ultra – 50 miles – okay so I said to my friend Tollr – if I don’t run the Manchester marathon with you I’ll enter this one with you instead!
May
Liverpool Rock and Roll Marathon – well if I don’t enter Manchester I might do this or:
Blackpool 10 miler – this is the one I transferred from last year.
Sandstone Trail 36 miles – if I can get into this I am definitely doing it.
Windermere marathon – if the timing is right I want to run this one because it will be amazing scenery and I won’t be thinking of a time like I would with Manchester or Liverpool
June
I haven’t found anything in June yet – maybe it will be time for a holiday!!!
July
Lakeland Trail ultra – so this one has me in a bind because I really want to do it but it is very expensive. Plus I can’t decide on which option. There is 50km on the Saturday, and the same on the Sunday or you can do both days. The only option I don’t want to do is the 100km on the same day!. The reason aside from the scenery is that my cousin recently died and this is the place he loved the most in the world I believe, and his ashes will be laid to rest in the Lakes. I want to run this race in his memory. He was so supportive of my running. He called me an athlete and made feel me proud of what I have achieved. He was a truly amazingly strong person who didn’t deserve to be gone so soon.
August
Not looked yet but perhaps some faster races during August or a month off races
September
Sandstone Trail A race – I entered this 17 miler the day after I finished it this year. I love this race so much.
October
Not found anything here yet either.
November
Conwy half – this time I’ll make it
Warrington Way 40 mile ultra – I was massaging at the finish this year so next year I am in it to complete it.
December
Maybe I’ll enter the Santa Dash!
Not counted but I think there are at least 5 ultras in there and a few marathons (but not all of them – I’ve not decided what to choose yet).
So that’s next year in a nutshell. I’m posting this now before I change my mind and tone it down. I’ve just had a really positive week of running and I’m feeling really strong. I ran 53 miles this week and my legs feel great. I’m not getting tired and feel fine the next day and ready to run. Sometimes I have to admit I have to tell my brain to get up and go because sometimes I just want to sit still (might surprise some people who know me very well) – but yes even I like to sit still once in a while – usually just before I go out for a run. It’s hard work sometimes running with dogs as you really have to think on your feet and know what they might do at any moment – and you have to think faster than if you are just walking – because a pull or a lunge in any direction is so much more difficult to control or anticipate. Its still the best decision I’ve made and events over the past couple of weeks that have been dragging me down have ultimately given me the strength to make this momentus decision.
I wanted to finish off by saying one last thing about my cousin Anthony who meant so very much to me. I spoke to him on the phone recently and asked how he was able to remain so positive when he had such a battle and he said “because I know that I don’t have a choice and you just have to keep going”. That could be said just about life itself but life with a disease eating away at you and you are powerless against it other than your own strength of will and the power of your mind to battle it out, it’s just so very cruel and just an ounce of his courage has helped me make my choice and change my life. I hope I manage to hold onto this courage and push through another year – a hopefully positive year with more happiness and less sadness. For this had been a very sad year for so many people.
I know we are still over a month away from 2020 and there is still an amazing Christmas to be enjoyed with my hubby and amazing girl, Harmony who will be four in January. So excited to be having my Mum stay for Christmas and to see my brother Steve and enjoy some real family time – because that is what really counts – to create special moments that you will remember and cherish forever – that and RUNNING!